Why Community is important for Adults, Students and Children:

Ever since I was a kid I hated going to Sunday school/small group.  I always got in trouble during Sunday school as a kid and had to be taken to my parents for discipline.  I will never forget when I was in the 7^th grade and during Sunday school our class had a spit-wad fight…nor will I ever forget what happen to me when my dad found out about it. I did have some great teachers through the years, I just strongly disliked going each week.  This mindset about Sunday school/Small Groups stayed with me even into adulthood. 

Even as a pastor, I continued to cringe at the idea of a small group, until about 6 months ago.  I thought, why do I need to be in a small group, I am a pastor. Arrogance… I know. 

Then this last January, Jennifer and I joined a small group with some friends.  As a result, it has become one of the highlights of my week.  We have made some amazing friends through small group and weekly have healthy fellowship with other adults about life and where we are spiritually. 

In my book –“Checkpoints”, we even wrote a whole chapter on why community is important & I would again say, it is a must for a healthy spiritual walk & lifestyle. 

Quote from Checkpoints – (buy checkpoints HERE)

“True Christian community is hard work but it is the most fulfilling investment of time and energy you will ever make.  If done correctly you will cultivate deep friendships that will last the rest of your life.  It is the primary instrument God has chosen to shape you into the image of His Son.  By its very nature it protects you from isolation as a friend’s unconditional acceptance challenges you to live life out in the open.  It is an environment promoting maturity as conflict is consistently addressed in a healthy way, where forgiveness is sought and freely given, and positive peer pressure surrounds you.  It diligently guards against bitterness and anger, tactics of the Enemy that seek to supplant unity.  Christian community cultivates an environment of trust as each member openly shares every facet of his life with brothers who care, not just with their words but their actions.  Men who live in true Christian community make time for each other and hold each other accountable to living a life set apart from the world.” 

5 thoughts on why I think all adults, students and children should be involved in a small group:
1.     The Bible instructs it. 
2.     We all need healthy, godly friendships to keep us on track.
3.     Your kids need to see you making spiritual community important.  Our Sunday night small group is also one of our kids favorite parts of the week as well.  They actually get a lot out of it as their babysitters typically do a bible story & verse of the week with them, while we are upstairs meeting as adults. 
4.     It lets you see that you’re not alone. That others are dealing with issues or struggles as well. 
5.     It gives you people you can trust and depend on.  When hard times arise, you’re surrounded with encouragement, love & support from a group of people that genuinely care about you and your family.

Debauching 5 excuses about why not to be involved in a group:
1.     “We don’t have any babysitters” – Ask your youth pastor at your church to help with this.  You should be able to have some great students within your church who can help commit to come for a couple of hours each week.  You always can find a babysitter and a good one if it is important to you!  
2.     “We can’t afford to pay a babysitter weekly.” – I would say you can’t afford NOT to do this! If you split the cost w/ your whole small group then it is only a few dollars each week, which is a pretty cheap investment into the spiritual vitality of your life and marriage. 
3.     “I am just too busy” – Well, aren’t we all?!  Who is not busy these days?  You always can make time for what is important to you.  Change your priorities.  Stop saying you can’t and trying say ‘I can’. 
4.     “I get enough “Bible” teaching at church.” – It is not about “getting more of the bible” it is about developing healthy community in your life and marriage.
5.     “I will have to talk in front of people.” – Yes… but you don’t have to answer all the questions and I would bet that after just a few weeks you would get comfortable and start opening up.   

A trend I am noticing: Have students today lost a healthy fear of their parents & of authority?

A trend I see among students today is that they no longer have a healthy fear of their parents but instead an unhealthy expectation for their parents to always take up for them. 

Not all, but most students today if you look at them and say, “I am going to have to call your parents.” will respond with “How about I call them for you and they will come up here and talk to you about this.” Such a different response than how I was brought up, taught to have a healthy fear and respect of adults and authority.

Teeangers know their parents will take up for them instead of hold them accountable to the situation.  

When I was a kid, if an authority figure looked at me and said “Brian, I am going to call your dad,” I would have begged them (if not paid them) not to do it!  I would have done anything to keep my dad from coming up to the school or church, simply because I had a healthy fear of my father.  You see, my father loved me enough that he did not always take up for me, but instead I always knew that he expected me to be a responsible young man & if consequences were presented because of a poor decision on my part, I had to own up to it.  

As I watch the news, read tweets and blogs and as I spend a lot of time with students and their parents, I am seeing this reality of teenagers having a huge disrespect for authority and even more, an unhealthy expectation of what they expect out of their parents. 

So what are we to do as parents?  When do we need to step in & stand up for our kids?  How do we stand up for our kid in a healthy way without just "bailing them out"?  What is a healthy expectation to have for our kids?

I definitely am not the expert, nor do I have all the answers.  I am learning so much myself in this area of parenting young kids. Author, Tim Elmore, writes of this often and I am always challenged as a parent by what he writes.  

Here are just a few thoughts that I have on this issue simply from a youth pastor perspective and from what I am learning as a parent...  

10 Thoughts from a Youth Pastor perspective:
1.     Realize your kids can do wrong.  He/She is not perfect.  
2.     It is not always another kids fault. Be willing to see fault in your own child.
3.     Realize your kid knows you, knows how they expect you to respond, and knows how to play you.  They will act different with you in the room, than they did when they knew they were busted. 
4.     The adult that calls you, don’t go in on the defense against them.  Especially, if it is a caring adult who is just trying to keep order or help all parties involved.  If your kid sees you attack another adult for getting onto your child, then you've just taught them automatically throw blame on someone else and not take responsibility for their part in the issue. 

5.     Have an understood & CLEAR list of consequences for your student.  Students need expectations of what their consequences should be before an incident arrises. Not to carry around the mentality of, “Well, I know my parents will get me out of this, they always do.” 
6.     Let them fail while they are under your roof.  Use these moments while they're in your home as teachable moments! Teaching them to fail-forward. 
7.     Don’t be a friend be a parent!
8.     Don’ t just be present at home physically, but be involved in their lives.  Most kids I see that bully others are usually ones who lack a solid home life.  Not always but most of the time. 
9.     Listen to your child but also listen to the other side.  There are two sides to every story. 
10. As always, in discipline, discipline in love & not in anger.  Students need expectation as much as we do as adults, just lead in love and not out of anger. You child needs to know you are proud of them and believe in them no matter what.  

DISCLAIMER – Although I don’t have teenagers in my home yet, I am just surrounded by thousands of teenagers and their parents every week and walk through many situations with them.  I am a learning parent and, just like all of you, I want to be all God has called me to be as a parent. 

What are your thoughts to this?  What do you see? 

Parenting Helps:

Long Hollow has many HERE

Tim Elmore Blog

Authentic Maturity

Checkpoints – A Tatical Guide toManhood

Salvaging my Identity for Girls

 Send your teen to Student Leadership University

Send your teen on international mission trips.